A dream that will never become reality
by Major Lolz 7412
Summary: I'll always have a dream, one that will never become reality- for my father to love me. For so long it's been this way- me being a disappointment to him when all I want to do is impress him. ABOUT JIMI AND HIS FATHERS RELATIONSHIP! PLEASE READ (Angst!)


**Disclaimer: ****I don't own wolf blood (unfortunately, if I did I'd include MORE Jimi!) nor any of the characters**

**Hey peeps, so anyway (don't worry I won't drone on forever) just QUICKLY want to say enjoy the story, this is my first fanfiction. I LOVE wolf blood but never thought people really thought about Jimi much and his back story so I had ANOTHER one of my CRAZY ideas while I was hyped up on sprite! Anyway I will stop jabbering on now and let you actually read the story! :)**

"You don't know what you're talking about, you think it's all about you don't you, poor little orphan boy" I mocked angrily. This guy just made me so angry; strutting around all cocky thinking he's better than everyone else. And so arrogant, always thinking everything about him! I mean he knows _nothing _about me and yet he just assumes I did it to get _him_ in trouble- I meant how self-centred is that? I carried on angrily "You don't know how lucky you are, having no-one tell you how you're not good enough, how your a disappointment. It's family, who needs one anyway?" I finished trying to convince myself more than him. "Next time you get angry smash up your own things" He said while walking away.

"Going to tell on me?" I ask, trying to not sound worried.

Vaguely, in the background I heard a vaguely familiar voice pierce through my thoughts "He doesn't need too."

I spun around quickly, an excuse already forming on my tongue but any words that were about to spew out of my mouth abruptly stopped when I saw who was looming behind me. My mouth went dry and my whole body tensed. I couldn't think of _anything _to say, there behind me with his usual scowl marring his features, stood my dad.

_Dad_. The word echoed painfully through my mind, I winced as all my insecurities came to the front. Some dad he was, I thought bitterly. Where was he when I needed him? When I needed someone to chase away the monsters under my bed... Scoffing that I needed to grow up. When I needed someone to listen to me complaining about school... lecturing me on whining and being selfish... When I needed someone to shower me with praise for getting a gold star... Busy doing more _important _things. When I needed someone to cry to when all those boys targeted me... telling me to sort out my own problems because 'no-one will carry you in the real world' When I needed to feel wanted and loved... Never there

He wasn't always like that though. I remember when I was younger and we went out, on picnics and to parks, just spending time as a family. It was amazing, honestly probably the best time in my whole life. But then, when my mum died in that car accident he just changed. He became colder and his eyes, his eyes lost nearly all the kindness and understanding, there was no warmth in them. Not all vanished thank God but certainly small. And all that love he once held vanished- I've nearly forgotten now, what it feels like to be loved. I still remember that day, I was so scared, _so scared. _He wasn't even like my dad anymore, I couldn't recognise him at all.

-Flashback-

(Jimi aged 9) Day after his mum died

_I slowly prised open my sleepy eyes- blinking rapidly as the unforgiving sunlight invaded my room, having slyly crept in while I slumbered. As my eyes gradually readjusted, I reluctantly clambered out of the warm comfort of my king-size bed and was hit with the harsh, cold temperature. I shivered slightly and went to get ready. I grimaced slightly as I took in my ragged appearance. I'd cried so much when it was explained to me my mum was dead- she wouldn't be coming back home, never coming back. My eyes welled with tears as I thought about it but I impatiently brushed them away._

_I grabbed some clothes quickly and shoved them on me not really paying attention to what they looked like. After I'd finished I slouched down the stairs, feeling a little hungry. I arrived at the kitchen and spotted my dad at the round table in the corner. He was sat there reading his newspaper so I couldn't see his face but I was slightly surprised he hadn't noticed me yet. I decided to announce my presence._

_"__Morning dad" I greeted. He didn't give any inclination he'd heard me, I frowned and decided to say it again, he probably couldn't hear me._

_"__Dad? Morning." I said, a little louder this time. He still carried on reading, no sign of movement. I decided I didn't like being ignored so I went over and purposefully waved in his face. He moved his gaze to me and now I wished he hadn't. It was so cold and uncaring, not holding any of its usual warmth and his face; it was so expressionless like he had no emotions left in him. I gulped slightly and realised that I was actually scared, scared of my dad. I reassured myself, this is dad, he wouldn't hurt you but I wasn't so sure it didn't really look like dad at the moment. He was still staring at me so I said " I'm hungry." I meant to say it confidently but it came out as more of a stutter. He still stared at me unflinchingly for a few more seconds before focusing on his newspaper again, so I tried again "Can you get me some breakfast please?" Still no response, I was getting really angry now, why was he ignoring me. "STOP IGNORING ME!" I screamed angrily, panting a little after- that got his attention, his head snapped back to me, his eyes fixed on my furious face. I stumbled back slightly but carried on, gathering my courage "I don't know why you're acting so mean but if mum were here then-" I didn't get to finish before a loud BANG echoed through the kitchen, the chair previously occupied by my dad lay forgotten on the floor. I went rigid as my dad stormed right up to me, his face twisted into a evil snarl, his eyes as hard as ice "SHE'S NOT HERE, how DARE you be so SELFISH, whining like a spoiled brat, YOU ARE NOT TO TALK ABOUT HER! UNDERSTOOD?" i couldn't reply, I was frozen in shock and fear, not able to move a muscle. "I said is that understood?" He said harshly. I nodded numbly, unable to form a sentence. He breathed in and said quietly "good." Then just went back to his newspaper, ignoring me again._

_I suddenly wasn't so hungry anymore and decided to go straight to my room. When I reached it, I closed my door and crawled into my bed, seeking the safe and comforting feeling the blanket provided. I thought of today and sobbed my heart out, I didn't understand and mum wasn't even here to go to, everything was such a mess. _

That's the day he stopped caring. That's the worst day of my life, that was the day I made the vow to get dad back to normal. And since then I've been so desperate. Craving his love again, for a while all I cared about was impressing him, to make him proud of me, to make him realise I'm an amazing son and for him to realise how much I love him but most of all for him to love me back. It makes me feel so worthless when he ignores me. So I got more and more desperate, started going further to get a reaction out of him. Bad grades, bullying people, calls home from school, suspension and even expulsion, just to get some reaction out of him until I could hardly even look in the mirror without feeling ashamed and unable to recognise myself. But I was _so desperate _I carried on and I did get reactions- usually a disappointed and exasperated snarl in my direction but every time I told myself it didn't matter because at least he was acknowledging me.

And that's what annoys me so much- how much I care what he thinks of me, how much I still crave his attention. Because despite everything he's ever done to me, I just can't stop loving him. Believe me I've tried, tried _so hard _but every time I try to hate him, it's like a burning sensation in my heart and my eyes water because as much as I want to, without him my life would feel like it wouldn't be worth living and that's what bothers me so much. How much I care, where he clearly couldn't be bothered with me. But it's like I'm physically not allowed to hate him and everything just gets too much and urgh my life is such a mess.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts by a harsh "Jimi" courtesy of my father and I'm alarmed to find tears stinging in my eyes but I don't even bother holding them back because once again I'm just reminded of how alone I am in the world. Sure my father can throw money at things but he'll never give me love- the thing I _truly _want. He looks pretty surprised too, probably because I've never cried in front of him for a very _long _time, always to scared and embarrassed to show any weakness with him but now I've just given up because I know now that my dream is exactly that- a dream, a foolish one that will never come true and I was so foolish to ever really think it could become reality. And it's that thought that finally breaks me, the thought that tips me over the edge.

**Soooooooooo (add a few more on) how was it? WOOHOO? MEH? BLEH? ARRGGHHH? ANGST OVERLOAD? Please tell me in a review or whatever because I know sometimes I just can't be bothered to do that but seriously I would appreciate it! Anyway hope you enjoyed it! Might do a follow up! BYE! **


End file.
